overheard: "yeah we won the that flute play"

No Cure for Stupidity

Earlier this week Chuck took a day off work to go to the doctor. I am not sure what he had done, there is a multitude of things it could have been. Maybe to solve the mystery of, what is filling in the other half of his dome piece? It could have also been the hemorrhoids, I need not to elaborate. Maybe to do a DNA test to see why when he has a freshly shaved head he has such a striking resemblance to Sgt. Slaughter? Or could it possibly be why he was so fortunate to receive not only a double chin, but also a double upper lip? (don’t know how else to explain that) The only information he gave me is that he was going to be put under... well he said that were going to give him the amnesia stuff. I guess they now have the same technology as Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and are no longer using anesthesia.
So on his first day back he claimed the drugs haven’t "completely" worn off yet. He failed to mention that until after entertaining us with this little mix up. After receiving an order for none other than Loony's Tire in Little Rock Arkansas, he notices that it is going to ship from Houston. Trying to show off his geographic know-how, he questions Brock to why we wouldn’t ship from our Las Vegas warehouse. Confused Brock asks "why would we do that?" Excusing Brock for his ignorance, he replies "Because Las Vegas is right next to Arizona!"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"It's Shipping to Little Rock, A - R"
Brock's response "AR stands for Arkansas, Not Arizona!"

Uncounted Vote

So now that you have a little background on J. Chuck I figured it was about time to put a face with the name. The picture below was taken when he made top salesman for the day. The Picture was then emailed to us by our boss. I am not sure if this was a joke or if this was supposed to be a legitimate congratulations’. In my personal opinion he should have held back some of those orders because he had a total of only one order the following three days.

In the photo he is holding up a fake trophy, and I believe the man was originally holding up a tennis racquet. I don’t even know what it says on the front of the trophy, maybe “I’m with Stupid” or something ridiculous. But keep in mind this is the same guy who had a plaque sitting at his desk as if he had won something, but in all actuality it was given to our company b/c we paid a couple grand to attend their tradeshow. A Small token of their appreciation. Congrats Chuck you have received first place honors for being a dumbass. In his other hand is the Wall Street Journal to mark this monumental day in his life. I am almost 100% sure he has not read one word of the Wall Street Journal or any other paper for that matter, with the exception of maybe a quick glance at the box scores of the Bangles or Reds (Yes everyone, he is a 'Who Dey'). On second thought, I do remember him reading something. Our boss laid an article on his desk that read “Boeing to Layoff 10,000”. He looks back up and poses the question “Who is Boeing?”
(hum, good question)
“You know, the Airplanes?”

“I have no ideal” (not a typo, I am pretty sure he thinks that is the word)

“You know like the Boeing 747?”

“I have no ideal”

Now I would have been just as startled as my boss if I didn’t hear the comment that came from him a few weeks prior. When talking about the election debate (a conversation that avoiding, would have made him sound smarter than if involved) he voiced his dislike for the republican candidate John McClane. I believe the exact quote was “You know what? I don’t like that John McClane guy. I think he’s a real idiot”. You know what Chuck, I do too, Jack Bauer is the real man for the job.

Scarecrow in Search of OZ

I figure it is my duty to explain to you just how bad Chuck Stricker failed Geography. There are maps through out our office. I am so fortunate to have the one map in the office which contains the United States in its entirety, with the most amount of detail. This gives me the unique opportunity to hear any and all geographic questions. My first real opportunity came on a day in which Chuck was dealing with a customer in Maryland. In his conversation with his customer Chuck was trying to figure out how much the shipping cost would be. The customer realized Chuck was having a little trouble nailing down where in fact Maryland was. The customer offers his assistance with “we are right outside of Washington”. I am not sure how the conversation ended but soon thereafter Chuck struts over to my office, stands in front of the map and looks up. I watch him as his eyes survey the map not really looking at a specific area just roaming. His hand was on his belly exposing his wife-beater under his Ocho Cinco jersey. He was making the sucking noise which sounds like it would if someone had just finished a Corn on the Cob eating contest and is now trying to get those irritating strands, out from between their teeth without using a toothpick. He interrupts my stares with, “hey, help me out with something”; he said with his eyes still looking blankly at the map, as if he didn’t even know where to start. He says, “Can you tell me where Maryland is?” almost like he was challenging me to see if I knew where it was. He changed his tune abruptly when my response was, “you’ve got to be kidding me”. I point and with a stern sound in my voice, say “There!” Taken back, he goes on to rationalize his stupidity by going through the conversation with me. Then he gets to the part of the helpful customer telling him they are outside of Washington. He goes on to say “so I am looking over by Seattle…” I stop him with just a “No, Washington D.C.” He goes on, not phased or embarrassed by what had just transpired, and says “You know what? That’s probably what he meant.” Probably? PROBABLY! I, in no way, believe he was talking about “any other” Washington, but our nation’s capital.
Not as entertaining but another short story, shortly thereafter Chuck was looking at the map again … wait let me first explain to you what he is wearing at this moment. Starting from the top, he had just recently shaved his head, probably due to the fact when he first started working in the office and not the warehouse, to appear more presentable he tried styling his the horseshoe shaped pattern of hair he was still holding on to. This didn’t work and he started looking more like bozo the clown then a man with any dignity. Next he had on a guido necklace, I would say gold but odds are “not gold”. I only noticed this because the white Hankook polo was completely unbuttoned. By the way Chuck pronounces it Handcock.. And the polo that looked as if he found it sitting at the bottom of a dirty laundry hamper that had been there for weeks. But at least his Black Jeans looked somewhat clean. He topped off this ensemble with a pair of bright white K-Swiss sneakers. So he is now staring blankly at the map telling me about a customer in Miami. And I shit-you-not he says to me “hey, where’s Miami?” My response is, “Ohio? Or do you mean Florida?” Judging by where he was looking at on the map he wasn’t talking about either one b/c his eyes were drifting around the Houston, Texas area. He was apparently talking about Miami, Florida because he asked what part of Florida. I don’t believe I warranted that with a response. And just a side note here, Paul Dressed up in that exact outfit for Halloween 2008, and he had no idea Paul was mocking him.
Lastly there was a day a couple months back where Chuck was getting excited about a new customer in Knoxville, Tennessee. This customer came from a national chain. He had looked in the system and noticed that this particular store had never ordered. Chuck was floating on cloud nine. Brock informed him that Knoxville did in fact order. Chuck insisted that Brock come and verify with his own two eyes. To Brocks surprise, he noticed Chuck was looking for “Noxville” not Knoxville.

I Can Verify Everything

Let me give you a little background of Jeff Stricker. He is 38 years old, married and has 3 children, scratch that 4 (he has an 18 year old daughter). He was and was born on 5th and Cleveland (for those inside 270, you know what this means). He is proud to have graduated from Linden High School, not verified yet. His name is Jeff Stricker, but goes by Striker. It took me about 3 to 4 months to find out the Jeff Striker is a gay porn star (don’t ask how I found out).
Jeff had worked in our warehouse for 18 months. He did such a good job sucking up; our boss thought he would be a wonderful addition to our sales team. And this is where our story begins...

His first day began with him asking me in all honesty, “Do I need to make a copy for myself, and fax the original?” After we let his first little hiccup slide, me and a couple of the sales guys were showing him the ropes. He was calling customers and introducing himself and letting them know he would be their new salesman. Immediately we decided that there was no way he could go by the name Jeff. We already had a Jeff working here and didn’t want to burden ourselves with asking which Jeff they needed to speak with. We tossed around a couple of ideas. Finally Paul had asked what his middle name was, he responded with Charles. "You're Chuck!” Paul exclaimed, and he has been referred to as Chuck ever since.
Next order of business was his business cards. This seemed like a pretty simple task, name, phone, address, you know, the basics. When finishing the final touches to his card and showing him the proof to see if there is anything he would like to change, he explains his fathers name is Chuck and wanted to know if there was a way to avoid confusion. I suggested that sometime people who go by their middle name put their first initial at the beginning of their name. He decided to go with J. “Chuck” Stricker, and as the one facilitating this business card operation I also decided to add a "Jr." at the end for good measure.
About a month went by and not hearing much more of the business card, Chuck comes in after one of the holidays and was not happy. Over the holiday he was showing off his cards (probably passing them out to friends and family) his father comments on the name "J. Chuck". He said it sounded like a new bread of rodent similar to a chipmunk or a squirrel. He reveals the story to us and we continue to call him "J. Chuck" for the remainder of the day. This continues for the following week but had transformed to something even more entertaining. It went from "J. Chuck" to "J. Chunk" and variations of "Gay Chuck". To this day that name that appears on my speed-dial is simply "Chunk".